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from Jen:
The past year my stress level has been amped up way beyond comfortable limits. I have been struggling with how to balance my stress levels and not lose my sanity in the process. I can’t do a lot of physical activities like I used to. If I was stressed when I was younger I ran a lot. It has been a challenge with my new health issues how to work out stress in a healthy manner. (As in, not eat my weight in cheese…) Calming my pain has helped. The new medication I am on has lessened my pain so I am not so wound up all the time. I have (tried) to remove as much stressors as possible, people, situations etc. I still feel like I am falling short. So I put out the question on my FaceBook Page “How have you learned to deal with stress and have you been successful?”
Here’s one of the stories I received:
Knowing when enough is enough.
by SugarMamas Lovelyness
In a recent post, there was a search for guests to share their secrets to limiting their stress and/or do a testimonial. I did message back and forth with Jen a bit to see what exactly she was looking for, after deciding what to share and how, here’s my testimonial.
I can not share with anyone how I was/am able to relieve any kind of stress without first getting into a bit of WHY I was so stressed to begin with. I realize this isn’t your typical life experience, but I am hoping some of what I’ve found helpful is helpful to you.
I am a survivor of childhood abuse, very severe abuse. While some aspects of this stopped when I was a teen, the mental and emotional abuse continued until just after I turned 30. Over the past year I’ve learned, discovered and changed a lot.
Before I could do anything to make my life what I wanted my life to be, I had to first come to terms with the fact that YES, I was still being abused, YES, I HAD to change that and YES, I was strong enough to do so. I also had to accept that I was stressed out of my mind and that stress contributed to many things in my life.
When I originally brought this up, I had support, but I still questioned if I’d be left sitting alone, begging for forgiveness and another chance, recanting my words….my lifetime of abuse led me to believe that I was really nothing to most people, nothing to myself and therefore, I lacked a huge component necessary to make the changes necessary….strength.
I decided it had to be done and I was going to do it, I’d stand tall, even if I was alone. I would be better in the end. I would be stronger and I’d mean more to me!!
What I had to do was very hard, but to eliminate the BIGGEST stressor in my life, I had to tell my birth mother she was no longer part of my life. That I wouldn’t tolerate her abuse, her threats, her putting me down. I wouldn’t take her lies as truth, her hatred as my own and her drama as mine to deal with. I wouldn’t accept the negative words, the hateful remarks and above all, the constant need to make me feel as if I were worthless and wrong ALL THE TIME!
This caused a pretty big family uproar. Thankfully, my parents (Dad and 2nd Mom) stood by my side, as did my grandparents and especially my husband. I’ve also managed to make some really good friends over the past couple years and one especially, understood so much of what I was dealing with. She was a wonderful support and that helped me immensely.
We expect our families, to an extent, to stand beside us, regardless of what the situation is. We often take for granted the support. I’ve learned that’s not always the case and will forever know who will and won’t be with me. However, when it comes to friends, great ones are a bit tough to find. I’ve had my fair share of “friends” who’ve hurt me and my family…..after 2 years of not leaving my house, not attempting to make friends or trust anyone, I learned that will get me no where and I need to trust my gut AND heart, when choosing friends.
I believe the friend that was there for me stands out so much because, as I said, we expect family to, but I’ve only ever had a couple friends who would. Thankfully, I have some REALLY, REALLY awesome friends now. “My Girls” as I lovingly refer to them, mean the world to me. They’ve stood by me, through the nasty moods, ignorant rumors, the hatred I shared all too often….and they’re still with me today. I won’t pretend I wasn’t a HUGE stressor in their lives and for that I am making amends.
I realize how sad this seems, removing a mother from one’s life, but it was honestly THE best thing I’ve done. With this GIANT step and surrounding myself with people who are POSITIVE in my life, I’ve greatly limited my stress. Yes, I still have times when I need to vent, but I can have a conversation which doesn’t include stressful topics, anger or negativity. I don’t seek out fights and, while I still have work to do on my “going in guns blazing” approach, *I* feel I am MUCH better….and have been told many times that there’s been an obvious change.
My best advice to limit stress is to limit and/or remove the stressors – be it people, things, places….whatever it is. When this can’t be done, you really have to go into it positively. Approaching anything with a negative attitude or looking for a fight, will get you just that – negativity and a fight. You have to come to terms with the fact that you allow these stressors or at least accept them and therefore, you need to work to rectify this.
I am not claiming to be perfect, nor do I believe I am. But I will say that coming from a place where I didn’t leave my house, except to get my children from school or unless I ABSOLUTELY had to, to a place where, on any given day, I’ll go out and do whatever needs to be done, or do what I want to do….is AWESOME. Coming from a place where I’d fight with just about anyone, over anything, to a place where someone can scream IN my face, about something she really has no clue about and not immediately snap back with a rude retort or offensive posture, is GIGANTIC!
I am HAPPY. I have limited stress in comparisson and I KNOW what I need to do to continue to limit it. I need to accept things as they are, not as I preceive them or want them to be and work with said things, to change either the things themselves, my approach, my opinion or figure out how to avoid them all together.
Today, I can say that I can and will walk away from a fight or potential fight. I can converse civilly, even when I don’t agree. I don’t look for or expect a fight either. I am a better me, I try my best to avoid stress and the people/things/places that cause them, but when I am faced with them, I remind myself to approach it in a different manner.
I am 30 years old….I’ve likely aged myself well beyond my years with the amount of drama and stress I’ve allowed in my life. But, that’s in the past. Moving forward I now know that *I* have the power, control and strength to keep myself under control, to accept things as they are and to continuously work on my biggest lifes project…..me.
[♥]Respectfully submitted from a severely abused, self hating little girl, to an ever-growing-strong Woman. [♥]
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SugarMamas Lovelyness blogs at Long Road
